I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
