Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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