So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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