No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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