last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
