the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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