By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he thought i was a dude.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
