Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
