YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
