You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
