Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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