Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
