You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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