I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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