You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I wish there were birth control emojis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
