The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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