you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
