i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When are your genitals available?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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