hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
