Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
