Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
