Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
