God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
