Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
