When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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