I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
