is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
