Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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