I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
