He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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