I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
