I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
