Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
