what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
