wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
