You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
