Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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