I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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