he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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