I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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