sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
her vagine was all disorganized.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
