and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Why is your signature on my underwear?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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