i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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