Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
