who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
