You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
