No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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