I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
