so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
