i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
