Swine flu is the new snow day.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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