At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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