I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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